The ad goes on to cite one of their usual dubious ‘studies’ that “suggest that the nutrients in milk can play an important role in weight loss. So if you’re trying to lose weight or maintain a healthy weight, try drinking 24 ounces of lowfat or fat free milk every 24 hours as part of your reduced calorie diet.” My first problem with this statement is the nature of its language. It sounds like a prescription from your doctor. Is this a way for the advertiser to appeal to our dependence on pharmaceutical solutions to all of our problems? Hmmmm. It then directs the innocent reader to 2424milk.com. So off I went to see the wizard!

Now, to me the milk mustaches in these ads might as well be Hitler mustaches. Nevertheless, I tried to put on my scared-confused-average-consumer-cap and view the site with an open mind.

There were the usual vague references to studies by ‘leading nutritionists’ citing the benefits of getting the right nutrients, and also including lowfat milk in your diet. That’s all to be expected. Then I went to the “Workout Recovery Tips” portion of 2424milk.com.

The fitness advice was definitely aimed at someone new to the whole idea of elevating their heart rate and, yech, sweating. The exercise tips were nothing short of alarming. A supposed leading nutritionist, who has openly endorsed the site, and whose name I will not publish here, had this advice:

(cut and pasted from 2424milk.com, un-italicized commentary mine)

1 .Celebrate your success - First, take time to enjoy your accomplishment. Meet up with friends or throw a party. It’s time to celebrate. You deserve it!

I can see it now, Jane Doe just walked around her block for the first time ever! Time to celebrate with pina coladas! Jane, just in the door, overheated and out of breath, calls out, “John! (her husband, John Doe) Put some Keilbasas on the bar-b! I’ll invite the Jones, we’re having a party!”

2. Refuel - An effective option to refuel your tired muscles is lowfat chocolate milk, according to a recent study. When athletes drank chocolate milk after an intense period of exercise, they were able to workout longer and with more power during a second workout compared to when they drank a carbohydrate replacement beverage.

How many athletes do you know that, after an intense workout, drink chocolate milk? Do you think you could work out really hard, guzzle a carton of chocolate milk, then work out again even harder? I would puke! This advice is about as sound as SNL’s skit, Breakfast of Champions, Little Chocolate Donuts, with John Belushi. Remember that one? But this is not sarcasm, this is real nutritional advice from a nutritionist! I wonder what carb replacement beverage they compared their chocolate milk to – Coca Cola? I’d like to see this “recent study’.

3. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate - Staying hydrated is important before, during and after your race. Sweating is your body’s natural way to release heat from your hard-working muscles, but during strenuous exercise you can become dangerously dehydrated from too much water loss. Aim to minimize dehydration by drinking regularly during exercise and be sure to drink fluids to replace water loss after exercise.

Don’t worry, you are not hemmoraging water, this is normal. It’s called sweating (say the word slowly and enunciate). The discomfort is only temporary. I guess this is sound advice, but I’m surprised they’re not encouraging us to carry a camel-back full of ice-cold milk…

4. Pamper your sore muscles - You can expect the usual aches and pains after a race. Ice sore muscles and be sure to visit the doctor to take care of any more serious injuries.

When you’ve won the race to the neighbour’s driveway and back, you’ll be hurtin’! No pain, no gain! Now go to Doc and get some prescription pain killers!

5. Get some R and R - Give your body time to recover! Get some much-needed rest and relaxation, a good night sleep and allow adequate rest days for your tired muscles. Make your return to strenuous activity a gradual one.

Now that you’ve elevated your heart rate, you should take a week off. Relax, watch some TV, I think the football game’s on, maybe we’ll see some milk commercials.

6. Keep carbs coming - Carbohydrates are essential for muscles to recover after strenuous exercise. Experts recommend eating as soon as tolerable after exercise. In addition, continue to eat foods that are rich in carbohydrates for several weeks following a race to replenish your carbohydrate stores.

Chips are carbs! They’ll go nicely with the football game! Yes, experts recommend eating carbs, but this paragraph leaves out what kind of carbs – complex ones! Eat fruit and vegetables. Sadly, for the target reader of 2424milk.com, carbs will mean chips, pastries and other crap.

7. Stay motivated - Use your energy after the race to set new goals. You need to give your body plenty of time to recover but now is a great time to start thinking about your next challenge.

We’ll try to get to the next neighbour’s driveway next Saturday.

8. Get balanced - When you sweat, you lose important electrolytes like sodium and potassium. Keeping these minerals in balance is crucial to your body’s normal function. Typical recovery favorites like pizza, pretzels or bananas contain sodium and potassium to help your body rebalance. But don’t forget milk – it’s a good source of potassium!

Woo hoo! Alright! Pizza and pretzels are as good as bananas! Forget crappy fruit, I’m ordering Domino’s! Sodium, here I come, baby! I think I’ll wash this pep/mush/double cheese down with a glass of milk! I read somewhere that if I drink milk, everything will be just fine! I’m on the road to being in shape now!

There you have it, folks. Nutrition and fitness advice from our friendly experts over at 2424milk.com. Carl Lewis, eat your heart out, you’re going to have some competition! Now, everyone roll your eyes with me.